17/06/2026
Wednesday the 17th June in the Piggy Darts House.
Just 10 of us early doors tonight as England are on the telly later. Priorities, eh?
Dancing Dave has returned from his jollies looking refreshed, recharged, and still yet to hand over all our rock… ROCK, I said ROCK! Get your minds out of the gutter.
Our very own Chelsea Pensioner Sandra is in sparkling form this evening, knocking off numbers faster than Rob2 can get to the Jukebox. I’m playing this week too, The PA has been granted temporary release from report-writing duties and, so far, so good. No misses, no injuries, and only minimal supervision required. It’s goodbye to Big Ron and Tartan Tom. Bish, bash, bosh. I wish we were playing for dosh. Rob1 is being exceptionally brave tonight, safely hiding behind Rob2 while taking pot shots from the cheap seats. His latest observation? Apparently, from behind, I look like Steve. Now, I know I’ve got a generous rear bumper, but Steve is about 7 foot tall, has a hair that’s gone into early retirement, and casts a shadow that needs planning permission. The comparison seems a little unfair.
Still, according to Rob, the resemblance is uncanny… at least until I turn around.
Then, in a desperate attempt to save himself from the inevitable backlash, he quickly added, “But you’ve got a nice… t-shirt!” So there we have it. From behind I’m Steve, from the front I’m apparently a lovely bit of casual wear, and Rob1 is still hiding behind Rob2 like a victorian chaperone at a brothel. Then in comes Mullet Maverick Aiden has swooped in and won game one! Who invited him?
If Rob1 calls me Steve3 one more time, there’ll be consequences. No more trifle, no more pies, and absolutely no more PA. Then he’ll have Our Trace to answer to… and trust me, that’s a battle nobody wants.
Anyway, onto Game two. We’ve got a few more players joining the madness tonight.
Rob2 is taking home the “Biggest Cryer” trophy this week — a title usually held comfortably by Rob1, he’s too busy bullying me and I’ve not made him cry yet. Meanwhile, Merry Marie is taking it all in her stride, quietly strolling up to the ochi, knocking people out, then casually sitting back down as if she’s just popped over for a cup of tea. Our Trace is in her bucket hat and is doing a spot-on impression of Kevin from Kevin & Perry: “Yes Miss Patterson…” every five minutes. Singing Stu has joined the darts tonight. Let’s hope he’s belting out the classics at the end of the game and not giving us a heartfelt rendition of Cry Me a River after being knocked out. Winner of game 2 Rob1, whose chances of getting a trifle off me on Sunday are diminishing by the minute.
Onto Game 3 and we’ve got a full house! The place is absolutely bouncing. People are getting England tattoos like it’s a life-changing spiritual experience. Merry Marie has gone full pageant mode, strutting around in her Miss England sash looking fabulous and somehow managing to make patriotism look glamorous. Jimbo has finally joined the party. We thought we’d lost him after Villa’s trip to Istanbul. Rumour has it he’s only just regained consciousness and stopped staring blankly into the distance. Tartan Tom is positively buzzing for the game. Mind you, after a lifetime of supporting Scotland, he’s built up an Olympic-level tolerance for disappointment. Our Trace is practically vibrating with excitement, desperately waiting for the England songs to start so she can belt them out completely out of tune and twice as loud as everyone else. Big Ron is knocking back whiskies like he’s on death row and the governor’s just told him he’ll get a pardon if he can stay drunk until full-time. At this rate, he’ll either see England win or start speaking fluent Welsh. Cheery Carol is looking around wondering what the hell is going on, who half these people are. Rob2 has finally stopped crying. Winner of game 3 Singing Stu and he’s already singing We are the Champions pipe down Stu you’ve only won a pen.
Apparently there’s been some controversy but apparently I don’t know how to spell it so I’m not putting it in!
Join us next week for more fun and frolicks in The Piggy Darts House.
