06/08/2017
HOUSE RULES!!
I hated rules until I went to Berlin. Now I love them, and I know what they are for. They are so everyone has an amazing time. So everyone in the house, read them and get with it! (mostly stolen from our friends Wissam and Dana at the Domesticated Pig).
No Solo Cups
Call me solocuphobic, but I loathe them, they’re the devil. The house is full of cups. if you want disposable ones, the pantry has plenty of clear ones. You’re not in a frat house anymore, dude.
No Glass on the Deck
Not because we don’t trust you, but accidents happen. A broken glass on the deck, where we walk, lounge, barefoot or naked, is scary. No one wants an extra crack up their ass. Glass is for the indoors.
High Heels & Pools
You queen might think it’s fun to jump in the pool after strolling around, showing off your 9-incher. But if your heel accidentally rips through the pool liner, the pool will be closed indefinitely. Your housemates gonna shame you endlessly. And your social life will be ruined for the rest of the Summer.
Silicon L**e
We all love them, but duvets, sofas, and outdoor cushions do not. Wanna f**k like bunnies all over the house, f**k away. But these stains never go away. So place a towel under you. Your bed sheets don’t count, mamma can bleach the hell out of those.
Dogs
We love dogs, probably more than we love you, but still, they must be pre-approved. Butch thinks he’s the alfa and I hate to break his heart. So let’s make sure everyone is getting along. And if you have a shedding/sh*tting dog, please clean after it.
Smoking
Whatever the hell you smoke, just smoke it outside. Never inside. if you’re caught tossing a cigarette butt on the deck, or in a planter, I will pick it up and shove it up your butt.
Clutter
No one wants to see your luggage exploding all over, dirty underwear spilling out of them, douches piled up in the bathroom. Keep your belongings behind your closed door, or in your bathroom drawers. We have plenty of hangers, and empty drawers just for ya.
Utilities
We calculated your utilities in advance, and added them to your fees. Some bi***es think that means they can run water, AC, heaters 24/7. Technically you can, and we can’t do anything about it, but Mother Earth and we will hate you forever.
Butt Wipes
They might be so gentle on your hole, but not so much on the primitive plumbing of the island. So instead, use the bidets we’ve provided in all bathrooms. Pamper your hole. Then maybe touch up with one? or none?
Music
The sound system has different zones. Indoor, poolside, and bayside. Do you really need to turn them all on at all times? No! Don’t p**s off your housie reading by the bay just cuz you wanna shake it by the pool. Don’t p**s off your sleeping housies while you’re cranking up tunes on the roof.
Gender
We don’t care what body parts you still have. B***s, peens, vageens, and in betweens are all welcome. We expect you to be comfortable around and respectful of everyone. If you prefer a men-only house that discriminates against others, move on…
NEXT!!!
No Strangers – Part 1
Introduce your guests, friends, lovers (don’t know their names? introduce us, we’ll cover for ya ; ) It’s a lot less awkward than seeing a rando hanging out at the house. Should I scream? hit him? f**k him? hug him? give me a hint.
No Strangers – Part 2
Sometimes you can’t make it for the weekend, and you give it to a friend. It’s your friend, we don’t know him. Then I see a stranger nesting in the bedroom, so I SCREAM and call 911. They probably won’t show up. But I’ll call anyway. So share his info with us before he shows up.
Room Occupancy
Room rates are based on double occupancy. That’s fancy for maximum of two g**s per room. The 3rd queen sleeping in your room is a House Guest, and extra rules and costs apply. Which takes us to…
House guests:
A Housie is your official housemate. He either has a share in the house, or renting a week. All official housies are pre-approved. We’ve met them all before personally or at least electronically.
A house guest is the 3rd person sharing your room. A friend stopping by for drinks, laying by the pool, or making love from behind, is not a house guest, as he has his own house/share on the island. Right??
You get to have one guest at a time, only twice per quarter share. Only housies with quarter shares. If you’re a weekly/nightly rental, you can’t have extras.
Plan it ahead and share the info with your housies so you have it booked. The fee is an extra $150 per night per guest. The guest stays in your own room. No one is crashing on the couches, chaises, or a floatie.
