03/23/2024
I did, at one time, decide to work on my truck while partaking in a vodka and grapefruit beverage or three, tokin' on a number and diggin' on the radio, across the street from the motel. For some reason, i needed to turn off the automatic headlight turner on thingie. After a bit, it became time to go to my mother's house to cook her dinner. (She had terminal cancer and would not eat unless i cooked the meal for her). It was just before dark, so me, my little faun chihuahua named Harley, and my buzz loaded up and took off down highway 98 on a mission. Unfortunately, in my unnecessary hurry, I forgot to turn the automatic headlight turner on thingie back to the "Auto on" position, causing an oncoming police officer to think that my lack of headlight illumination was justification for performing an abrupt tire squealing U-turn in the middle of the highway, blue lights flashing like a dance floor in a disco, and the siren pumping out enough decibels to deafen even the hardest core concert-goer. These abrupt actions on the part of the otherwise peaceful officers prompted a nervous knee-jerk reaction on my part, causing me to sn**ch my steering wheel hard left a little bit later than i should have, resulting in a sharp turn down seventh street that included my right front tire leaving the asphalt pavement and plowing into the patch of sand spurs that were flourishing on the sandy shoulder. The resulting momentum hurled the bags of groceries, my wallet, and one startled chihuahua into the floorboard, while bringing the vehicle to an unanticipated stop. Harley was upside down in the bread bag, trying desperately to right himself, and i was fumbling around trying to find my wallet, as to be prepared to show my drivers license. It turned out to be slightly out of reach, so I opened the door, stepped out, and bent over to look under the seat. As I leaned in to procure the runaway billfold, I heard a voice scream out, "FREEZE!!"..I turned around to see the largest handgun I had ever seen, or at least the barrel of it, pointing directly at my forehead. Apparently my under-seat retrieval efforts were perceived as a possible motion for a weapon on my part. Not to be a dawdler, I responded instantly, "My wallet! I was getting my wallet!!" The female officer had a white knuckle grip on her g***k, the blue lights were blinding me to a squint, and Little Harley was not amused, as he jumped out of the front seat in the direction of his masters challenger, and commenced to go "Ape-sh*t" as mama used to say, all around the officers legs and feet, causing her to do what I can only describe as a really jerky line-dance routine. "No Harley!"" I pleaded, in an attempt to restrain my canine protector and save him from meeting his demise from a bullet that was probably almost as big as he was. Harley must have taken note of the desperation in the tone of my voice, because he backed down quickly, giving me a moment to re-group and offer an apology to the cops. The other officer had been looking in the passenger window throughout the fracas, and saw the groceries tumbled all about in the floorboard, which helped back up my story about where i was going. After explaining my lack of attentiveness to the automatic headlight turner on thingie, the two officers conferred with one another, and amid the aroma of the grapefruit juice and potato based ferment, decided that the best thing to do at that juncture was to proclaim that my truck was to stay right where it was until morning, but me and little Harley was free to go. So I grabbed a few food items, a smushed loaf of bread, and me and my little dog walked down the highway back to our little motel, never looking back....
