22/12/2025
The Best
You people who eat cow tongue is everything okay with you?😭
You people who eat cow tongue let’s be honest, is everything really okay with you? Because me, every time I meet a tongue eater, I just want to grab them by the shoulders and ask, “My brother, my sister, blink twice if you need counseling.” You mean to tell me, out of the whole cow ribs, fillet, steak, T bone, even the tail you jumped straight to the tongue? The same tongue the cow uses to lick its nose, lick its babies, and sometimes even lick your jeans if you stand too close? And you looked at that slimy pink organ and thought, “Mmm, this is supper?” I don’t care what you say something is wrong somewhere. Even the devil is shocked when he sees you people eating tongue. The first time I personally came across this demonic dish was in 2022. I had travelled to Kabwe for some errands, you know, normal human errands that don’t involve eating tongues. I went with a friend, and we stayed at his friend’s place. Day one was perfect. They welcomed us nicely, gave us chips, fried chicken, fast food everything was civilized. I was even thinking, “Wow, Kabwe is such a peaceful town. No problems here.” Little did I know, day two was waiting for me like a horror movie. Early that afternoon, I just heard the lady of the house casually announce, “Today, I’m cooking tongue.” Now, at first, I thought I had misheard. Surely, she didn’t mean that tongue. Maybe she meant some fancy Chinese dish with a suspicious name like Tong Yeeeee. You know those foreign foods that sound wrong but end up being delicious? I convinced myself she was talking about something else. Because no human being, in their right state of mind, can just boil a cow tongue on a Tuesday like it’s a normal thing.
But by 13:00, my ears confirmed my nightmare. She was calling her friends “Guys, come over, nshima is ready and the tongue is done properly.” Properly! As if tongue has an ISO certified cooking standard. That’s when I knew this wasn’t a misunderstanding. This was the real thing. But I couldn’t ask questions, because you know in people’s homes, there are rules. You can’t just stand up and say, “Excuse me, madam, whose tongue exactly are we eating today?” That’s how you end up sleeping outside. So I kept quiet, pretending everything was fine, but inside my soul was trembling like an unpaid loan. When we sat down to eat, that’s when the cult meeting began. Seven of us around the table me, my friend, the lady of the house, and four of her friends she had invited for this ceremony. Nshima was served, relish was served, and there it was sitting on the plate like a trophy the boiled tongue. Ladies and gentlemen, the tongue was not even hiding. It was there, long and proud, with taste buds still visible like pimples. Everyone was smiling like it was Christmas. I looked at my plate, looked at the tongue, and told myself, “My brother, today you are eating vegetables. Just behave like a rabbit.” So I started chewing cabbage slowly, trying to blend in. But the lady noticed my resistance. She turned to me and said, “Zwe, don’t you eat cow tongue?” I smiled politely and said, “No, madam, I don’t think I’ve ever tried it.” She looked at me like I had just admitted I don’t know how to breathe oxygen. “Just try it, Zwe. You’ll love it.” She was acting like it was a Netflix show she wanted me to watch. That’s when the peer pressure gang mobilized. One guy was like, “Zwe, come on, just taste it. It’s soft.” Another one said, “Zwe, it melts in your mouth, like butter.” A third one jumped in, “Bro, you don’t know life until you’ve eaten tongue.” At this point, I was confused are we still talking about food, or did I accidentally join a motivational seminar? I refused. Politely. Firmly. But then they changed tactics bribery. First offer K200. I refused. Second offer K300. I still refused. Final offer K500.
My people, imagine being offered K500 just to chew tongue. But I stood strong, like Nelson Mandela refusing to bow to oppression. I said to myself, “Even if they give me a full salary, with transport allowance, airtime, and lunch money, I will not chew what the cow was using to lick its own behind.” Meanwhile, the rest of them were eating like it was heaven on earth. They were smiling, laughing, licking their fingers, praising the cook. One man even closed his eyes while chewing, whispering, this is life. Another one said, “This is the best part of the cow!” Someone else added, “Zwe, you don’t know what you’re missing.” And I wanted to tell them, “My brother, you don’t know what you’re eating!” But I stayed quiet, chewing cabbage like a refugee goat. The worst part is how normal they made it look like they were eating pizza from panorottis, or steak from Johannesburg. But no, it was just tongue. Plain, shameless tongue. Fast forward to today, the trauma resurfaced in full HD. I was at Shoprite unza East Park, just minding my business, when I saw a woman confidently buying cow tongue. With all the good meat in the shop sausages, steak, chicken, oxtail this woman pointed at the cow tongue and said, “That one hun.” I almost fainted in the frozen section. I wanted to stop her and ask, “Excuse me, madam, are you aware you are buying the same body part cows use to clean their nostrils?” I felt like reporting to the Ministry of Common Sense. Because if we allow this, where does it stop? Today it’s cow tongue, tomorrow goat lips, next week pig eyelids, and then one day these same people will graduate to eating human tongues. And I refuse to be part of that era. Count me out. So I’m here to announce, publicly if you eat cow tongue, I’m judging you. I don’t care how you cook it, how you season it, or how you plate it. For me, it will forever remain the ugliest betrayal of normal food. In fact, if you’re one of those people, please keep your plate far from me. Because the day I see you chewing tongue with pride, I’ll start locking my mouth for safety before you suddenly look at me like I’m the next meal.
Zwe ma paragraphs, Zwe ma i can’t eat cow tongue!😮💨😂
